Carmel Frappe?!?!?!?!

Who have I become? Where am I going? I just finished a Carmel Frappe at Steamers in Cranberry. I am amazed at how many things have changed since the last time I posted. I am now married and moved into a completely new area. I am working at a new job, a year out of my surgery, and much less physically active as a result. I miss golf, baseball, running, working out intensely, hiking, roller-blading, and a lot of other things I used to do all the time. The sun is out and it reminds me of all the things i COULD have done prior to my herniated disc. Life changes so quickly and yet so slowly. What things matter and what things don't? How do you know when to turn the ship and when to just let the wind take it where it will? When do you order a Carmel Frappe to change things up a bit? Well for me it was when I filled my "get a free drink" card up with a bunch of inexpensive, and oh so delicious, cups of black coffee. So, things may not have changed as much as you thought, but perception is important as well. You may have perceived me as a new person who drinks "foo foo" drinks and is weaker but is that really true? Maybe I am stronger...strong enough to have a Carmel Frappe whenever I want. What you say may not matter as much to me any more. That is one of the changes that has definitely taken place. I am not as much of a pleaser as I used to be. I have definitely seen a change in that and here's proof for you. I drink decaf after 10:00 am now...

Ya...


I know...

Say whatever you want...


I like to sleep and I do what I want...It was a painful process whenever I accidentally kicked the caffeine habit. I started to have a couple of really busy weeks and before I knew it I was getting some massive headaches. By the time I realized why I was getting them I was going back and forth with my caffeine days and non-caffeine days. This was not a planned change but the pain of going back and forth was so bad that I decided to just eliminate the caffeine altogether for a while. Now I can have caffeine in the morning and it wears off by the time I go to bed but if I have it in the afternoon...I'm up all night (thank you Benedryl for your help in these moments of agony).

Well there you go. That is enough proof for you to know that I am less of a pleaser than I used to be. Maybe that is also due to being married. I will go into this more at a later time but there is a lot to be said for getting married and building your character. Well back to that Carmel Frappe...it is empty minus a couple of drips left on the bottom. That is similar to how I feel right now. How did the Frappe become that way? There was a repetitive action that drained it. An action that involved more sucking than pouring. That is how I got to where I am right now as well. The job I am in is sucking with not a whole lot of pouring yet. There is great potential with this job and the way I am going about it I knew that there would be a lot of sucking for the first year. I just need to see the pitcher on the horizon. I am drained because at the end of every month I have put in countless hours of work and there wasn't much pouring of financial help along the way. Where does this leave me?

How long will it last?

When do you turn the ship?

Am I doing all I can?

Am I listening to the Lord?

Is this just a growing moment?

Too much has been invested.

Do I work another job?

Questions...

Questions that suck...constantly.

Where are the answers?

Where are the answers that pour?



The Lord has the answers.



I need a refill...

Life Roast: bright and bold

3-8-07

Wow, it’s been quite a while since I’ve been able to get out and write on here. I am now living in Pennsylvania. I’m at a coffee shop in New Wilmington called Mugsies sipping on a cup of Café Rojos. After asking where this coffee came from and seeing the look on this “barista’s” face I realized I’ve crossed the line. This line that I speak of may not be what you think. I have not crossed a line that other people draw and expect you to stay behind. I have crossed a line that shows I am officially a coffee aficionado. This word can be shortened into using the word fanatic. I am a coffee fanatic. Fanatic means, “Insane person”. I prefer to use the latin root “fanaticus” which means to be “insanely but divinely inspired”. Yes that’s it. I am insanely, but divinely inspired for my love of coffee. This is the line that I speak of.

Over the last few months I have been roasting my own green coffee beans at home. I enjoy this process of taking a raw material and creating something so pleasurable out of it. The little green bean looks so unappealing in its green form but when it is roasted, ground, and brewed (in whatever manner one prefers); all senses become engaged in the final product. In their original form they all look very much alike, with a few differences in color, size, and weight; but when finished every cup is different based on the process the endured.

I have been going through this process myself and I know it is because I am being crafted into a unique and complex “cup” with a combination of dry fragrance, wet aroma, brightness, depth, body, and finish. I have even recently been “ground” when I underwent back surgery. I will say that the process is uncomfortable but with the end in mind it is easier to withstand.

I have been recently struggling to fully understand what “the end” is. I know that Jesus is going to return, judgment is going to happen, and I will be spending eternity with Him but what about prior to His return. I will be living my life to “worship” Him but what does that look like today, tomorrow, in three years? I see how I am going through the process of becoming a “man after God’s own heart.” That is what I want, what I desire, but what does that mean for me? If I die before He returns I want to look back and see that my life made a difference. Why do I want my life to make a difference? What kind of difference do I want my life to make, on what, on whom, where at? The deeper I go into these questions the more I realize that the emphasis must be on the process. The way that I enjoy crafting a cup of coffee must be the way that I should enjoy being crafted. It is easy to do all kinds of crazy things to a bean like heating them to 400+ degrees and making them crack once or twice when you are removed from the process. How much harder it would be to go through that process but what a better appreciation, understanding, and love would you have if you did go through it. I know that this is what Jesus did for us. God has become fully involved and understands everything far better than I because not only did He create everything but He also knows first hand what I’m going through. He knows what it feels like to deal with the weight of sin, and knows what it is like to conquer. He knows how to fight, how to serve, how to lead, how to cry, how to rejoice, how to eat, drink, live, love, and move.

I do not know what I am going to turn out like but I don’t want to shortcut any of the processes. I want to undergo the screening process when necessary so that I will get rid of the broken pieces. I want to soak up the heat so that I will expand my capabilities even if it darkens my view of the world. I want to feel the pain of the daily grind so that I can fully appreciate the flavor of life. I want to rest when I need to so that my body will be enhanced. After all is said and done I want to be used up by my expiration date so that I will be fully effective in producing all that I can.

Pumpkin' Pie

10-9-06

I am at Riverstop again. This may be one of my last moments in this coffee shop. Sipping on a creamed up cup of quarter “caff” coffee I reflect on the many moments that I have spent here. Transition is knocking on my door. I am already half way through the door but still cannot see fully what is on the other side. I am moving to Pittsburgh and will be much closer to my family. I have seen this change coming for about 6 months but am amazed that it is here. So many things have happened in these last months and have drastically changed how my time is spent. The lovely woman that I am dating is a joy and blessing to my life and will be accompanying me on this adventure. So, with all of that being said, my thoughts run to pumpkins.

Pumpkins, they come in many shapes and sizes. They are usually orange on the outside with grooves running vertically. They are turning out in great numbers at this time of year and have many purposes. I enjoy taking out their seeds and baking them with salt. I also enjoy allowing my grandmother to bake me; yes I allow her, pumpkin pies. These two things alone are enough of a purpose for me to know they are valuable but yet I want to know what else they do. They could be good for a very difficult game of bowling. They are used to make very ugly face and then lit up with a candle. I am amazed at how many different things pumpkins can be used for. A couple of the strange uses are things like skin care and candle holders.

I began to realize that humans love to find purpose in things. Finding purpose is a gift that people possess and must decide if they want to use. I have also realized that we are rarely satisfied with figuring out one purpose. I just recently spoke to a chemist that worked two years on figure out another use of an orange peel. There are times that finding new purposes can be beneficial and other times that it can be detrimental to the main purpose. When we start finding new purposes many times we forget about the old ones and do not find them meaningful any longer. If pumpkins started being worn as hats then we would stop cutting faces in them because it would ruin the hat. This is an extremely bizarre example of what the Body of Christ may be doing.

I enjoy learning about what the Body is suppose to be doing. I enjoy learning about the purposes of life for a Christian but I am seeing how rediscovering our original purpose is largely due to the fact that we forgot it in the first place. Being in the midst of a major transition I am seeing how many “discoveries” are not really discoveries at all. Rediscoveries can only happen when we no longer remember our original purpose. We were created to respond to God. This involves a relationship with Him. Worship and rejection are the only two options. Things become simple again when we remember that we have a decision to make in how we respond to God. I think we need to get back to the core. Pretty things can be made with a pumpkin shell but the core is what is important; without the core…the shell is dead.

emBODYing Candles...

8-8-06

I am at Riverstop Café with my third cup of Columbian“half caff.”

I found the picture that is posted below and began to think about candles. Candles start our looking pretty nice; clean edges, colorful, cool shapes. Candles have a purpose though that is concealed within them. They are able to emit light. When the lights go out in your house if you don’t have a flash light then you can use candles. Candles can also be used to create mood lighting for various occasions. The problem is that a candle changes shape when it does what it’s suppose to. A candle begins to round out in some places, drip onto other things, and shrink in size. The life of a candle ends when its purpose runs out. The wick that is placed within the candle must be lit and then it will serve its purpose until the wick is used up.

I liken this to our lives as humans. We start out with soft skin, no bruises, and different shapes and colors. As life goes on we become more banged up and appear less beautiful to our own eyes. I can only imagine a candle looking at itself as it was burning. If it did not realize its purpose then it would be like…”Aw look…that’s sagging now.” or “I can’t control this liquid running down me.” Sound anything like what we experience as we get older?

So we have this purpose…what if we never are never lit? Our bodies still wear away but it is like a candle on a grater. The wick is sliced shorter with every pass and our bodies will continue to wither away. If we are never lit then we will get to the end of our life without ever having served our purpose.

If we have a purpose placed within us then we must recognize it so that we are able to be intentional about our lives. We need to realize that we were created to be light in the darkness. We need to see that our light is not our own but we are given light and we are created to hold light. We are able to have the God of the universe light us up. As we recognize our purpose we will start to see the wearing of our bodies as evidence that we are doing what we were created to do. We will then see the beauty of what is happening.

Light in darkness